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So the Chibiterasu plush is back in stock at ThinkGeek. Guess how I know. Because I currently have (and always have had, and always will have) mild dumb and used to have birthday money. Well, I was actually kind of sad when I'd discovered it had sold out and I didn't have a chance to pick it up the first time, so...
Today I have totally accidentally done absolutely nothing worthwhile. It was kind of awesome. I would also sort of like to know why the rice I made yesterday had frozen into a solid block of... well, ice rice. First time that's ever happened, and it was amusing for a while. If mildly confusing.
Hasn't really been worthwhile to talk about myself much lately. I don't mean to keep friends in the dark, of course, it's just... eh. Time is better spent weaving tales or abusing the crap out of my hands. *grin* Reflection comes in the moments of creation, oddly enough. Is it meditation? Close enough. What would that make all of the bleeding? Sacrifice? *snort* Whatever it is. I am happy to offer blood to whatever allows me this degree of freedom.
And yet it is the darkest point of winter that gets one thinking, isn't it. Many times in my life I have been accused of being hateful. I don't know what started me thinking about that today; probably taking a long look at the finished project shelves, which are... pretty much full, no surprise there. I wondered if that was the product of all of the hate and bitterness I've been told I have. Surely I have hate, and surely I have bitterness. "Anger is our energy" isn't just a lyric. And there is a hell of a lot of cursing going on for some of those projects. I cannot even describe how much frustration is involved at some points, particularly with wire, which seems remarkably fickle by nature. The process is still love. The end result is always loved.
I tend to think the accusations of hate and bitterness were just the projections of people who couldn't get the reactions out of me they wanted. There was quite an enormous breakdown at age 15. I was a cold-booted computer with a lot of damaged files. I guess I still am, heh. I am a feeling computer. Not necessarily logical, but then computers don't always act in a way that is commonly found logical. And there are glitches. Errors. Corrupted files that can still be made to work. It took a while to find work-arounds. To pull back from whatever shattered heap was left and start building rather than rebuilding. There was nothing I was capable of noticing back then. Not for several years. Looking back now, I can see fear responses and hate responses that were thrown back at me. It's interesting. But distant.
That's it, I guess--hate, anger, passionate rage, are all rather... distant. (Maybe not the right word, but when I say that my writing style is just a desperate attempt to communicate, I mean it.) Love, adoration, affection, are all held closer. Which is not to say ager cannot be sparked. It's normally connected to attack/defense, though. (As the saying goes, may god help you--because no one else can, or will. I have cultivated anger as a battery for some time.) I am the one at the theater yelling at people in a horror movie for not dismembering the monster as thoroughly as they could. Of course, I also love cheesy stupid horror movies.
Oh, wait, good examples of a short temper: some jackass calling my shit over-priced. *grin* Watch the fuck out, it goes from 0-11 instantly and you do not want to be in the path of the onslaught. Confrontations with people who mistreat animals will come down to physical violence, though. I'm a big believer in demonstration and permanent reminders.
Hate is close to love, I won't deny that. Apathy is worse. I'm utterly apathetic toward politics and religion. Instantly eyes glaze over and I'm elsewhere, having conversations with characters in my head. I'm told the moment can be pinpointed. I don't doubt this. I wonder if it's seen as hateful, as well.
It's not that I have hate for humanity. I don't have a lot of faith, but I don't hate them. I've seen the incredible feats of heartfelt wonder that humans are capable of. It's just... a little hard to see over atrocity. I get more and more pissed off every time I hear about the current state of NASA, though. Not just because I love science fiction; the outer world and the inner world are linked. Cynicism is a disease. If you can't look to the stars with wonder, then you won't look to the stars at all. It's a deeply disturbing thought to me, personally. Human beings have been linked to the light of the cosmos, always... so to think of looking away induces a cold shiver. When the war economy is more important than discovery, wonder, that which is beyond us and yet also right in front of us...
And still I am not, cannot be, cynical. Or hateful. I'm definitely not the most loving or optimistic person in the world. *grin* I will not put up with bullshit, I will not tolerate idiots. I am more than happy to be friendly to anyone honestly willing to be friendly in turn--but start off with a show of disrespect for anyone with no damn reason and I'm happy to call and asshole an asshole. If you would call that hate, then so be it.
It must be looked down upon, that I take advantage of a pretty sweet living situation. It must be looked down upon that I feel no guilt for taking advantage of a shared obligation. There's love there to,, you know; friendship moved to marriage and instead of crumbling completely, just shed all those extra forced and imagined pieces and went back to friendship. (I suppose the fact that I never once thought about marriage at any point before would have been a sign, but what the hell did we know?) It is not something I would ever be willing to "brag" about, or throw in the faces of others, and it must be admitted that it could end at any time. I'm sure it will. But maybe, just a little, the thought of my former father-in-law rolling in his grave makes me smile. I guess that is just a little, satisfyingly hateful.
I have no idea if any of that made sense. I don't care to read it over since all I want to do right now is look at pretties and relax for a bit, so good luck getting anything out of that.
Anyway, thank you to everyone for the good wishes, and I'll try to get back to everyone before the night is out. I know I am shit at doing that, but that is just me I'm afraid. *grin* The thoughts are appreciated. All friends and acquaintances are appreciated.
And as the universe's final happy birthday joke, H-01 Tamashii Nation edition. Oh god. Anyone want a commission? I'm completely open until I get word on Artist's Alley at Anime Boston. Wish I could tell you when that might be.
Today I have totally accidentally done absolutely nothing worthwhile. It was kind of awesome. I would also sort of like to know why the rice I made yesterday had frozen into a solid block of... well, ice rice. First time that's ever happened, and it was amusing for a while. If mildly confusing.
Hasn't really been worthwhile to talk about myself much lately. I don't mean to keep friends in the dark, of course, it's just... eh. Time is better spent weaving tales or abusing the crap out of my hands. *grin* Reflection comes in the moments of creation, oddly enough. Is it meditation? Close enough. What would that make all of the bleeding? Sacrifice? *snort* Whatever it is. I am happy to offer blood to whatever allows me this degree of freedom.
And yet it is the darkest point of winter that gets one thinking, isn't it. Many times in my life I have been accused of being hateful. I don't know what started me thinking about that today; probably taking a long look at the finished project shelves, which are... pretty much full, no surprise there. I wondered if that was the product of all of the hate and bitterness I've been told I have. Surely I have hate, and surely I have bitterness. "Anger is our energy" isn't just a lyric. And there is a hell of a lot of cursing going on for some of those projects. I cannot even describe how much frustration is involved at some points, particularly with wire, which seems remarkably fickle by nature. The process is still love. The end result is always loved.
I tend to think the accusations of hate and bitterness were just the projections of people who couldn't get the reactions out of me they wanted. There was quite an enormous breakdown at age 15. I was a cold-booted computer with a lot of damaged files. I guess I still am, heh. I am a feeling computer. Not necessarily logical, but then computers don't always act in a way that is commonly found logical. And there are glitches. Errors. Corrupted files that can still be made to work. It took a while to find work-arounds. To pull back from whatever shattered heap was left and start building rather than rebuilding. There was nothing I was capable of noticing back then. Not for several years. Looking back now, I can see fear responses and hate responses that were thrown back at me. It's interesting. But distant.
That's it, I guess--hate, anger, passionate rage, are all rather... distant. (Maybe not the right word, but when I say that my writing style is just a desperate attempt to communicate, I mean it.) Love, adoration, affection, are all held closer. Which is not to say ager cannot be sparked. It's normally connected to attack/defense, though. (As the saying goes, may god help you--because no one else can, or will. I have cultivated anger as a battery for some time.) I am the one at the theater yelling at people in a horror movie for not dismembering the monster as thoroughly as they could. Of course, I also love cheesy stupid horror movies.
Oh, wait, good examples of a short temper: some jackass calling my shit over-priced. *grin* Watch the fuck out, it goes from 0-11 instantly and you do not want to be in the path of the onslaught. Confrontations with people who mistreat animals will come down to physical violence, though. I'm a big believer in demonstration and permanent reminders.
Hate is close to love, I won't deny that. Apathy is worse. I'm utterly apathetic toward politics and religion. Instantly eyes glaze over and I'm elsewhere, having conversations with characters in my head. I'm told the moment can be pinpointed. I don't doubt this. I wonder if it's seen as hateful, as well.
It's not that I have hate for humanity. I don't have a lot of faith, but I don't hate them. I've seen the incredible feats of heartfelt wonder that humans are capable of. It's just... a little hard to see over atrocity. I get more and more pissed off every time I hear about the current state of NASA, though. Not just because I love science fiction; the outer world and the inner world are linked. Cynicism is a disease. If you can't look to the stars with wonder, then you won't look to the stars at all. It's a deeply disturbing thought to me, personally. Human beings have been linked to the light of the cosmos, always... so to think of looking away induces a cold shiver. When the war economy is more important than discovery, wonder, that which is beyond us and yet also right in front of us...
And still I am not, cannot be, cynical. Or hateful. I'm definitely not the most loving or optimistic person in the world. *grin* I will not put up with bullshit, I will not tolerate idiots. I am more than happy to be friendly to anyone honestly willing to be friendly in turn--but start off with a show of disrespect for anyone with no damn reason and I'm happy to call and asshole an asshole. If you would call that hate, then so be it.
It must be looked down upon, that I take advantage of a pretty sweet living situation. It must be looked down upon that I feel no guilt for taking advantage of a shared obligation. There's love there to,, you know; friendship moved to marriage and instead of crumbling completely, just shed all those extra forced and imagined pieces and went back to friendship. (I suppose the fact that I never once thought about marriage at any point before would have been a sign, but what the hell did we know?) It is not something I would ever be willing to "brag" about, or throw in the faces of others, and it must be admitted that it could end at any time. I'm sure it will. But maybe, just a little, the thought of my former father-in-law rolling in his grave makes me smile. I guess that is just a little, satisfyingly hateful.
I have no idea if any of that made sense. I don't care to read it over since all I want to do right now is look at pretties and relax for a bit, so good luck getting anything out of that.
Anyway, thank you to everyone for the good wishes, and I'll try to get back to everyone before the night is out. I know I am shit at doing that, but that is just me I'm afraid. *grin* The thoughts are appreciated. All friends and acquaintances are appreciated.
And as the universe's final happy birthday joke, H-01 Tamashii Nation edition. Oh god. Anyone want a commission? I'm completely open until I get word on Artist's Alley at Anime Boston. Wish I could tell you when that might be.